Progress, not Perfection

It’s only Friday and I already checked off two items on my Pull Yourself Together list.

I completed Part 1 of my Home Depot project, which, by the way, was not as easy as the DIY video made it seem.  Plus, it was 57 degrees and raining – not exactly the conditions depicted in the clip.  I’m not sure how fulfilling the process was, but it did keep me busy and focused for the better part of the afternoon.  Mission accomplished.

This evening I met up with 8 other tormented souls like mine and we shared our experience, strength and hope until we felt better when we left than we did coming in.  I had a glimpse of my progress over the past 15 years, and it made me feel good to know that even though I feel so far from sane at times, I am not the empty shell of a woman I was back then.

Many things have worked together to breathe Life back into my lungs, but two things stand out among them.  Running opened up my heart, and Love filled it. 

No matter how many unknowns are outstanding, no matter what changes threaten to turn my life upside-down, Love remains – strong and true, and I’m so very secure and content in that.

Long Weekend

I kicked off my Memorial Day Weekend with an early-morning trip to Home Depot.  The parking lot was mostly empty except for a few expected contractors and a couple of bored old ladies who’d probably been up for hours.  I decided I needed a creative project to occupy my fidgeting hands and to distract my wandering mind.

I found my materials and casually waved off offers for help loading them into my car.  I’m a badass, for godsakes. 

The weather is gloomy and windy with a rain that can’t make up its mind whether or not to fall.  Kinda matches my mood.  It’s going to be a long weekend with another to follow, but one step at a time.

Sigh.

I have a couple of things on the agenda for this weekend to try to snap me out of my obsessive thoughts and bring me back to center.  I haven’t decided if the Spartacus fantasies should be on the list or not.  Much as I love them, the resulting frustration takes its toll.

Underneath the anxiety, I remain happy.  Nothing about that has changed.  The things that thrilled me last week still bring me joy today, and for that, I am exceptionally grateful.

(That last paragraph brought a smile and made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.  I think I’ll focus on that.)

Back to School

The past few days have been one hell of a ride, but I landed on my feet with a smile on my face, even if there’s a residual tickle in my tummy.

I don’t remember a lot of details.  I was pretty focused on one specific idea and I had to work very hard to reel myself back in for a reality check.

I do feel compelled to brag about my progress on Chest Day.  Coach had me pushing 45’s for several sets on more than one machine – I totally rocked it.  Totally.  I think maybe I glared at him when he swapped the 25’s out and went directly to the big boys, but I have to give him credit – he knew exactly what he was doing.

Coach’s coaching didn’t end at the gym – his mentoring skills stretched beyond heavy plates and dumbbells and ventured into real Life stuff.  I guess I’m probably used to dealing with dysfunctional people around me and having their behavior (and mine) seem completely normal.  But Coach has his own calm, healthy style, and when I see him in action, I find myself thinking, “Huh.  That’s different.”  And it shocks me – every time. 

All of my most sensitive issues and demons have been stirred up lately, and I get to look at them from a more loving place than I ever have before, which doesn’t mean I like them or that they’re any easier to deal with. 

But I’m learning.

I’m sure I’ll have more to say tomorrow, but my eyes are heavy and I think the emotional impact of this week requires a serious good night's sleep.  

Besides, Coach says I think too much.